


Lawn Guy

by Dee_Laundry



Category: House M.D.
Genre: Dialogue-Only, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-07-26
Updated: 2008-07-26
Packaged: 2017-10-15 15:35:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/162298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dee_Laundry/pseuds/Dee_Laundry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>House and Wilson stop by a diner.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lawn Guy

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bironic](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bironic/gifts).



Wilson, what are we doing here?

We’re stopping for food.

Half an hour before we get to your brother’s place?

This is my favorite diner in the Tri-State area.

And?

*sigh* My sister-in-law can’t cook very well. It always drives me crazy, and I don’t want to make a fuss over dinner, so it’s better if we go in with full stomachs.

Yeah, we wouldn’t want you to go ballistic on her, Gordon Ramsay.

Who?

Hell’s Kitchen.

That’s in Manhattan.

Who are we, Abbott and Costello? Get the hell in there.

Oh, shoot.

What now?

My favorite booth’s already occupied. See those two women?

Yeah, whatever; I don’t care. Your sister-in-law’s cooking is _that_ bad, that you not only have a favorite diner here, but a favorite booth?

My aunt used to live out here, and I’d come see her when I was young. Besides, in that booth... Oh. Hi! Yes, I’m dying for a burger with cheddar and an egg cream. House?

Bacon burger, no cheese, and a red wine. Make it two.

I’m not drinking at four-thirty in the afternoon.

Well, that’s good, because I didn’t order you any. You were saying something about the booth? It’d better be interesting, or I’m knocking your teeth out.

What’s up your ass?

A Baby Jesus buttplug. No, seriously, my leg is killing me after the fucking car ride through the fucking traffic to get to your fucking brother’s place to eat fucking horrible food, which I was _not_ warned about. So say something amusing.

When I was fourteen, I got to third base in that booth.

In that booth.

Mm hm.

After hours?

During the dinner rush.

You’re such a liar. It’s too exposed; there’s no way a timid goody-two-shoes like you would’ve risked it.

There were a bunch of us jammed into the booth: me, Larry, Geoff, Mark –

A lot of guys in there. I’m just saying.

– Beth, and Terry Delmonico. Oh, man, Terry. So gorgeous.

You got to third base in a diner booth with a gorgeous fourteen-year old.

Gorgeous _seventeen_ -year old. Yep.

You’re such a liar.

Believe what you want. Are they leaving?

Who?

The women in the booth.

It doesn’t look like it.

Damn. I was hoping to move over there.

It’s been _that_ long since you got to third base, that you have to go relive memories from decades ago.

It’s just... special. Sentiment is not evil, you know.

We’ll be debating that concept until you kick the bucket.

The pretty one’s not saying much. Over in the booth.

That’s because the old one won’t shut up.

She’s not old! She’s like my age.

Yeah, I know.

Shut up. Younger than you. Can you tell what they’re talking about?

Some TV show. It’s pathetic when people get so invested in crap like that. They don’t have real lives?

OK, I_Heart_Brock_Sterling.

That’s different. I’m able to appreciate the show on many different levels, the ridiculous _and_ the sublime.

Uh huh. Who’s the father of Lauren’s baby?

There’s no _Lauren_ on the show. There hasn’t been a Lauren since the Season Three episode where Tommy cheated on Heather with two pediatrics nurses.

Lauren was one of the nurses?

Lauren was the candy striper who caught them in the supply closet and quit in protest.

Why is it always a supply closet? Who would want to have sex in there? It’s full of crap, it smells –

Ask Chase and Cameron.

Wait, what?

I caught Chase and Cameron having sex in a supply closet.

When was this?

Last year.

Last year! You never told me!

Must’ve slipped my mind.

I can’t believe you didn’t tell me. I tell _you_ everything.

That’s because you’re an idiot. And you _don’t_ tell me everything.

Well, everything I’m not actively hiding from you, I tell you.

The truth revealed.

Their plates have been cleared; why aren’t they leaving?

Why don’t you go ask them to leave?

No, I don’t want to be rude. ... Gah, why aren’t they leaving? Pay at the front, people!

I could swing my cane around and smack ‘em one. I’ve still got pent-up anger from the car ride.

Not the cute one but... No, you’ll get us kicked out instead of them.

Spoilsport.

How can they sit there so long? Who in the world has _that_ much to talk about?

Beats me.


End file.
